I saw an old church friend today who helped me with an oil change on my car. Of course he asked how I was doing and about everyone at church. I confessed that I frankly hadn't been doing well and have not been attending regularly for many reasons but one especially is because of judgement and criticism due to recent financial hardships and my choice to go through a painful divorce after 25 years of marriage. I don't really know why I am sharing except that I truly feel compelled to write it down in a place where if others do want to get to know and understand me better then here I am. I may offend some people and I am truly sorry but I want to show my authentic, real self instead of a superficial mask.
I told my friend that I have even been seeking counseling due to my severe depression that I have struggled with since childhood but I do wish I can feel comfortable at church to be real but the truth is I can't because someone will most likely go to the senior pastor and not even come to me because I may have offended them if I shared some things that "they feel" are not be appropriate Christian behaviors that I may have done in my past, currently doing or may do in the future. One thing of many considered inappropriate is the fact that I have a foul mouth and love a certain "f" word. Oh my word, I work with children. I should be lynched and burned on the cross. Oh, hey....wait a minute, Jesus already did that for me. To be frank, I already know it when I am doing something wrong and I am a work in progress till the day I die. God will teach me on his time to correct all the wrongs in my lifetime. Why the "F" word, you wonder? My favorite movie is Risky Business and Tom Cruise's character learns that sometimes you just have to say "What the f#%$."
I am learning that I don't want other people to fix me God created me and He controls my heart and soul. I definitely want their prayers but most of all I just want them to love me and let me love them too.
Sincerely with all my love,
Kathy
Hey, Kathy. I relate to you with the language. Frankly, I find it hilarious, and those that know and love me either agree or deal with it because they love me I'm not interested in hearing anyone tell me why I shouldn't drop the F-bomb, because frankly, they've missed out on "me" if they are focused on that. Besides that, I am genuinely sorry if you've felt judged at church. I can guarantee that nobody in church leadership is judging you over your divorce - that's one thing that Creekside does really well: no judgment. If people at our church have made you feel otherwise, I am sorry for that and disagree with them wholeheartedly. They don't represent our church; instead, they represent their own issues. I also struggle with perceiving judgment aimed at myself, and wonder if people think I am crazy for who I am or how I act, and I can 100% vouch for Creekside in saying that the messages I've heard lately are completely supportive and loving for people like you and me. I understand not wanting to be at church, but I can guarantee that we, as a body, can give you the acceptance, support, and love that you need right now.
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