I saw an old church friend today who helped me with an oil change on my car. Of course he asked how I was doing and about everyone at church. I confessed that I frankly hadn't been doing well and have not been attending regularly for many reasons but one especially is because of judgement and criticism due to recent financial hardships and my choice to go through a painful divorce after 25 years of marriage. I don't really know why I am sharing except that I truly feel compelled to write it down in a place where if others do want to get to know and understand me better then here I am. I may offend some people and I am truly sorry but I want to show my authentic, real self instead of a superficial mask.
I told my friend that I have even been seeking counseling due to my severe depression that I have struggled with since childhood but I do wish I can feel comfortable at church to be real but the truth is I can't because someone will most likely go to the senior pastor and not even come to me because I may have offended them if I shared some things that "they feel" are not be appropriate Christian behaviors that I may have done in my past, currently doing or may do in the future. One thing of many considered inappropriate is the fact that I have a foul mouth and love a certain "f" word. Oh my word, I work with children. I should be lynched and burned on the cross. Oh, hey....wait a minute, Jesus already did that for me. To be frank, I already know it when I am doing something wrong and I am a work in progress till the day I die. God will teach me on his time to correct all the wrongs in my lifetime. Why the "F" word, you wonder? My favorite movie is Risky Business and Tom Cruise's character learns that sometimes you just have to say "What the f#%$."
I am learning that I don't want other people to fix me God created me and He controls my heart and soul. I definitely want their prayers but most of all I just want them to love me and let me love them too.
Sincerely with all my love,
Kathy
