I saw an old church friend today who helped me with an oil change on my car. Of course he asked how I was doing and about everyone at church. I confessed that I frankly hadn't been doing well and have not been attending regularly for many reasons but one especially is because of judgement and criticism due to recent financial hardships and my choice to go through a painful divorce after 25 years of marriage. I don't really know why I am sharing except that I truly feel compelled to write it down in a place where if others do want to get to know and understand me better then here I am. I may offend some people and I am truly sorry but I want to show my authentic, real self instead of a superficial mask.
I told my friend that I have even been seeking counseling due to my severe depression that I have struggled with since childhood but I do wish I can feel comfortable at church to be real but the truth is I can't because someone will most likely go to the senior pastor and not even come to me because I may have offended them if I shared some things that "they feel" are not be appropriate Christian behaviors that I may have done in my past, currently doing or may do in the future. One thing of many considered inappropriate is the fact that I have a foul mouth and love a certain "f" word. Oh my word, I work with children. I should be lynched and burned on the cross. Oh, hey....wait a minute, Jesus already did that for me. To be frank, I already know it when I am doing something wrong and I am a work in progress till the day I die. God will teach me on his time to correct all the wrongs in my lifetime. Why the "F" word, you wonder? My favorite movie is Risky Business and Tom Cruise's character learns that sometimes you just have to say "What the f#%$."
I am learning that I don't want other people to fix me God created me and He controls my heart and soul. I definitely want their prayers but most of all I just want them to love me and let me love them too.
Sincerely with all my love,
Kathy
Friday, July 10, 2015
Friday, June 26, 2015
The Freedom of Forgiving Yourself....
I struggle with chronic depression and I have been riding on the "orphan mentality" train of thought probably since the day I was born and it is time I get off it and focus on more constructive things....
Easier said than done I think. Then I remembered a time that I asked for God's forgiveness and more importantly, I allowed myself to forgive me as well because He is the one that says to "Love others as you would want others to love you."
I remember it was the Fall of 1994, my dad died instantly at a young age of 57 from a massive heart attack that year in April and my husband and I was invited to a couple's convention in Cincinnati, Ohio, through our Church and I was thrilled that Jamey was willing to go with me. That week-end provided me with a healing over the guilt and shame that I carried around from years earlier when I became sexually promiscuous and ended up having an abortion after my freshman year in college when I was 19. That Saturday night, on the ride back home, I remember God telling me to share my story and forgiveness to the congregation on Sunday Morning. I kept thinking, God, you know my past experiences from public speaking, I will either throw up or pass out. For the record, if I have to do one or the other, I prefer passing out. He would not let me sleep much that night because he kept showing me what to say. I kept thinking people are not going to like what I have to say and God answered my thought, you are right, some people are not going to like it but it is not for them. The ones that need to hear is why you must speak up.
I remember getting up on that pulpit and looking at 350 faces and quoting the most famous bible verse because to be honest, it was the only one I could think of at the moment: John 3:16; For God so loved the World that He Gave His Only Son so We All Can Have Eternal Life. I shared that I had done some things in my past that I was not proud of that included a promiscuous lifestyle when I was in college. I discovered that I was pregnant at the end of my Freshman year and was convinced by several people that an abortion would be for the best. I shared that I had two babies now and was filled with guilt before my son was born because I miscarried. For a while, I thought God was a punishing God and I was paying the price for that abortion. You see, I saw tears flow through that congregation that day when I shared that I realized that my God is a loving God because my sins were already paid for when Jesus was crucified on that cross. If my life have not taken the path that I have chosen, I would not have been blessed at that time with a husband and two children that were 14 months apart in age. I forgave myself that day and never picked up that lie ever again that God is a punishing God. A member of the congregation called me the next day and was truly upset on my behalf, he thought somebody in Church pressured me to speak to the congregation and I reassured him that it was all from God through me.
God has recently revealed another truth to this story.... because of my personal experiences, my beautiful daughter chose pro-life and I am so proud of her. I will be a first time grandma this August!
Looking Toward The Light Always,
Kathy
Easier said than done I think. Then I remembered a time that I asked for God's forgiveness and more importantly, I allowed myself to forgive me as well because He is the one that says to "Love others as you would want others to love you."
I remember it was the Fall of 1994, my dad died instantly at a young age of 57 from a massive heart attack that year in April and my husband and I was invited to a couple's convention in Cincinnati, Ohio, through our Church and I was thrilled that Jamey was willing to go with me. That week-end provided me with a healing over the guilt and shame that I carried around from years earlier when I became sexually promiscuous and ended up having an abortion after my freshman year in college when I was 19. That Saturday night, on the ride back home, I remember God telling me to share my story and forgiveness to the congregation on Sunday Morning. I kept thinking, God, you know my past experiences from public speaking, I will either throw up or pass out. For the record, if I have to do one or the other, I prefer passing out. He would not let me sleep much that night because he kept showing me what to say. I kept thinking people are not going to like what I have to say and God answered my thought, you are right, some people are not going to like it but it is not for them. The ones that need to hear is why you must speak up.
I remember getting up on that pulpit and looking at 350 faces and quoting the most famous bible verse because to be honest, it was the only one I could think of at the moment: John 3:16; For God so loved the World that He Gave His Only Son so We All Can Have Eternal Life. I shared that I had done some things in my past that I was not proud of that included a promiscuous lifestyle when I was in college. I discovered that I was pregnant at the end of my Freshman year and was convinced by several people that an abortion would be for the best. I shared that I had two babies now and was filled with guilt before my son was born because I miscarried. For a while, I thought God was a punishing God and I was paying the price for that abortion. You see, I saw tears flow through that congregation that day when I shared that I realized that my God is a loving God because my sins were already paid for when Jesus was crucified on that cross. If my life have not taken the path that I have chosen, I would not have been blessed at that time with a husband and two children that were 14 months apart in age. I forgave myself that day and never picked up that lie ever again that God is a punishing God. A member of the congregation called me the next day and was truly upset on my behalf, he thought somebody in Church pressured me to speak to the congregation and I reassured him that it was all from God through me.
God has recently revealed another truth to this story.... because of my personal experiences, my beautiful daughter chose pro-life and I am so proud of her. I will be a first time grandma this August!
Looking Toward The Light Always,
Kathy
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