I struggle with chronic depression and I have been riding on the "orphan mentality" train of thought probably since the day I was born and it is time I get off it and focus on more constructive things....
Easier said than done I think. Then I remembered a time that I asked for God's forgiveness and more importantly, I allowed myself to forgive me as well because He is the one that says to "Love others as you would want others to love you."
I remember it was the Fall of 1994, my dad died instantly at a young age of 57 from a massive heart attack that year in April and my husband and I was invited to a couple's convention in Cincinnati, Ohio, through our Church and I was thrilled that Jamey was willing to go with me. That week-end provided me with a healing over the guilt and shame that I carried around from years earlier when I became sexually promiscuous and ended up having an abortion after my freshman year in college when I was 19. That Saturday night, on the ride back home, I remember God telling me to share my story and forgiveness to the congregation on Sunday Morning. I kept thinking, God, you know my past experiences from public speaking, I will either throw up or pass out. For the record, if I have to do one or the other, I prefer passing out. He would not let me sleep much that night because he kept showing me what to say. I kept thinking people are not going to like what I have to say and God answered my thought, you are right, some people are not going to like it but it is not for them. The ones that need to hear is why you must speak up.
I remember getting up on that pulpit and looking at 350 faces and quoting the most famous bible verse because to be honest, it was the only one I could think of at the moment: John 3:16; For God so loved the World that He Gave His Only Son so We All Can Have Eternal Life. I shared that I had done some things in my past that I was not proud of that included a promiscuous lifestyle when I was in college. I discovered that I was pregnant at the end of my Freshman year and was convinced by several people that an abortion would be for the best. I shared that I had two babies now and was filled with guilt before my son was born because I miscarried. For a while, I thought God was a punishing God and I was paying the price for that abortion. You see, I saw tears flow through that congregation that day when I shared that I realized that my God is a loving God because my sins were already paid for when Jesus was crucified on that cross. If my life have not taken the path that I have chosen, I would not have been blessed at that time with a husband and two children that were 14 months apart in age. I forgave myself that day and never picked up that lie ever again that God is a punishing God. A member of the congregation called me the next day and was truly upset on my behalf, he thought somebody in Church pressured me to speak to the congregation and I reassured him that it was all from God through me.
God has recently revealed another truth to this story.... because of my personal experiences, my beautiful daughter chose pro-life and I am so proud of her. I will be a first time grandma this August!
Looking Toward The Light Always,
Kathy
